Warning… Spoon Shortage! Enter at your own risk!

Anxiety is a a$$h@le!!!

That may sound really weird to people who don’t suffer from chronic anxiety, but those of us that do will get it. Sure, everyone gets anxious. Everyone feels that pull of suspense that only comes from being terrified of what might happen. But for those with chronic anxiety, it is like a living being that squeezes the very life out of those that experience it day to day.

One of the biggest struggles for me this year has been my overwhelming restlessness about everything going on in my life and around the world. That may sound very broad and maybe even somewhat whiny, everyone is apprehensive about world events. I’m talking about the ingrained need within myself (and so many others) to fix/control things. These are thing I cannot fix! I can do my part. I can  advocate for people like myself, I can vote, and much more. But what cannot do is control the outcome, and it drives me crazy.

Many people with chronic anxiety are considered “neat freaks” or “OCD” (which is misleading, because Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is it’s own thing which anxiety can often be attached to).  We want to be able to keep our “world” in a little bubble and defend it from anything that might make it pop. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always work out too well. Ok, usually doesn’t work well at all.

This approach keeps us at a constant state of readiness, a perpetual tension that can be torn apart by the slightest change in our environment.

For me this includes a plethora of medical changes, worry over my sons health (it looks as though he may have a similar condition to me, on top of his other problems), worry over the rest of my husband/daughter’s health, and strained relationships with friends/family. On a global and national scale, I’m sure my concerns are similar to everyone else.

The election (both for President and my local races) has been so polarizing! I can’t get on any social media without seeing attacks from both side of the aisle. I see family members supporting hate, I see friends attacked for expressing their views, I see stories of harassment, and just the worst of mankind (this does not mean just men, it encompasses everyone). I’ve had to unfriend and/or unfollow far too many people this past year!

I’m very thankful it will be over soon, but I recognize that this election has forever changed our society. We’ve seen each other for who we are, the dirty underbelly of politics has exposed the reality we have kept hidden for years. Our fears and prejudices are out there for all to see, no matter which candidate we support!

But it’s not just politics that have me breaking apart from the inside out.

Hate seems to be a way of life now, and it terrifies me!

There is so much hate for law enforcement, African Americans, Hispanics, refugees, even victims of crimes! Where have we gone wrong?! Why is our automatic response anger? Why do we immediately gravitate to the worst possible action? Hate and fear are in control, not reasoning and compassion.

One of the biggest contributors to my extreme anxiety breakdown has been the stand-off at the Dakota Pipeline. I am part Native American (which a LOT of us are, but the side of my family it comes from has an amazing history and I am passionate about preserving it), so the desecration of Reservation lands really hits home for me! If I could physically and/or financially afford to be there protesting with them, I would! I’ve signed petitions, I’ve checked-in, I’ve shared, and I wish I could do more. Just thinking about it makes my heart hurt.

Another source of anxiety for me, has been accepting my physical limitations. In the summer I took a trip to see my sister, niece, and nephew (and great-nephew). It was extremely difficult. I miss them beyond words, and it was my first time meeting my nephews beautiful son. But I realized that travel was just not in the cards for me anymore. Or if I do, it will have to be with significant assistance. I can’t just hop in a car and drive 12-14 hours anymore. I can’t go to the beach and expect to be able to walk the next day. This is my life now, no matter how much people doubt that reality.

This fact hit home this past week as my niece married her long-time boyfriend (that I had finally met when we went to visit this summer). I couldn’t go and it’s eating me up inside! I’ve always had a special bond with her, even across the miles. I desperately wanted to be there, but I just couldn’t.

I am also very nervous about the infusions I am starting next week. I was supposed to start them a month ago, but miscommunication regarding what vaccinations I needed before treatment pushed the time frame back. I desperately want them to give me some relief, but the realist in me is trying to keep me grounded.

There’s PLENTY more things I could write here, but I think that’s more than enough to get the big picture.

My post really isn’t just a huge vent (even though it is a perk), this is a confession that people with anxiety are not just stressed. We take everything going on in our lives and internalize it. Our struggle is more than just day to day dears, it is an all consuming ball of fire that lives in the gut and engulfs us when the world closes in.

So today, I will breathe and hope the fire subsides.

Fear and Loathing… in the World

Fear is like a lie. It might start out small, or insignificant. But once another lie or fear rests on top of the other, a cycle is formed. It’s like trying to fix a hole with scotch tape, you have to add more and more. But in the end, all you’re doing is making the problem worse. Those layers will eventually be stripped away and reveal the damage done.

The opposite of fear is not courage, it’s knowledge.

We’re facing so much fear in our world right now. Fear of what we don’t understand, fear of other cultures, fear of brutality and even death. What would happen if education and understanding took it’s place? What if people took a step back and said “I choose not to be afraid of the things I don’t know, or can’t see.”

I have seen it so many times! Bullies that push people around, just because they’re afraid of what other people will think if they didn’t. Abusive partners, fearful of being alone, lashing out and trying to force love. Disabled citizens that choose not to park in the handicapped spot (even with a placard), out of fear from threatening notes and harsh stares. People afraid of their sexuality, because they’ve seen how others were treated. Young men that fear police brutality, and honest police officers that fear retaliation (for the actions of others). Refugees without a home or food for their family, fearful of what the future holds. A world in fear of war, torn apart by the deeds of a select few.

“The enemy is fear, we think it is hate; but it is fear.” – Gandhi

I am in NO WAY condoning the actions of bullies or abusers! Fear is not a justification for misdeeds and actions. This is all about opening our mind to what the real problem is!

Some people might ask, what qualifies me to write about this? I write a blog for people with disabilities and invisible illness. What does this have to do with that? To those people, I would say this… I may not be a scholar or civil rights activist, I may not even have it “right”, but I certainly feel like the way were going is wrong. I live every day in pain, I work tirelessly to advocate for myself and others with chronic illness. I have seen how fear can grab a hold of a person and make them want to just give up. My own fear has brought me to the brink of death; and yet it was the fear of leaving my children without a mother that brought me back. I have loved ones in law enforcement that I fear for on a daily basis, and I see how much pain they go through every time there’s news of another shooting. I am not here to say one group is better than another, I am here to say that until the cycle of fear is broken, we will never heal!

“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” – FDR

Education is key! I’m not just talking about kids in the classroom, I am talking about unbiased news reporting honest headlines. I’m talking about flooding the internet with true stories, from the voices of those going through it. Muslim and Christian leaders, coming together and having civil conversations. Accepting that yes, Black Lives MATTER, without (even once) thinking that that means other peoples lives do not. Taking a step back, realizing that any time you say “all of this one particular group is…” is not productive and feeds into fear! This includes police! Not all police are racist, or are out to hurt anyone. They’re afraid, just like everyone else, and (unfortunately) some of them can’t handle the fear. Knowing all this can be the best deterrent to violence available.

We CAN break the cycle of violence, and the fear that drives it forward! So, even if you haven’t taken my words to heart, at least listen to one of the wisest beings in the universe…

“Fear leads to anger… anger leads to hate… hate leads to suffering.” – Yoda